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You know what’s easier than following around your fave pop stars, day in, day out, to see what they’re up to right that minute? Asking them. This month, DIVORCE let us in on what they’re up to.
8:00AM → Tiger and Felix share a flat with a couple of other friends in southeast London. Having driven down late from a rehearsal in Nottingham the day before, they’re both a little groggy this morning. Tiger’s getting their outfit sorted for today’s photoshoot, whilst Felix is still in his room snoozing multiple ear-blasting alarms. This continues for another half hour or so before the pair of us meet in the kitchen to gather around the coffee machine. Felix has bought the wrong sort of coffee, and it keeps coming out as bitter beige water. Tiger offers some of their coffee to Felix, and at last, a successful cup is made.
9:00AM → Back in the Fiat Doblo for another exhilarating trip around the motorways of the UK. Yay. The pair haven’t seen each other in a week, so they don’t even listen to music and sit chatting, shouting and laughing hysterically about hysterical things.
10:00AM → The terrible twosome arrive at the beautiful RSPB Rainham Marshes and join Kasper, Adam and the photography crew for a photoshoot. The crew are all lovely and way too good for this silly rascal band. There are birds everywhere. It’s incredibly windy, though, and the band are all a little apprehensive about how their respective heads of hair are going to be received. More coffees ordered in the cafe. Adam’s already become great pals with Linda, who works there.
11:00AM → Photos begin. Won’t say much more because I don’t want to give the game away. This band take their roles as models incredibly seriously, and anyone trying to plagiarise their photoshoots will feel the wrath of Divorce.
1:00PM → Lunch! First up, we’ve got Adam with a brie, bacon and red onion chutney toastie, Tiger with a brie and red onion chutney toastie, Felix with a jacket potato, cheese and beans and Kasper with a succulent smoky chipotle burrito. But pudding is where the drama really starts. Adam peacefully selects some sort of nutty traybake slice, with Tiger opting for a mint chocolate tiffin traybake slice and Kasper wisely choosing a scone (pronounced “skon”) with butter and jam (no clotted cream, unfortunately, please sort it out, RSPB Rainham Marshes). Felix had already purchased a salted caramel Tony’s Chocolonely chocolate bar (epic legend selection), but before opening it, his beady eyes land upon Tiger’s mint chocolate tiffin traybake, and in a rash decision, he gets one for himself, its luminous green mint topping glistening in the light of an overcast afternoon sky. Before the slice arrives, however, Kasper’s scone turns up. Unable to withhold his jealousy, Felix asks to swap half his mint chocolate tiffin traybake slice for half of Kasper’s scone. Kasper frankly scoffs at this suggestion and points out Felix’s idiocy. With that settled, the four of them hungrily tuck into their respective puddings in sweet silence, and lunch is completed. For the interested reader, Felix did at last tuck into his Tony’s Chocolonely bar whilst driving home that evening.
2:00PM → More photos, again, the band will not go into detail as this process is extremely sensitive, and you wouldn’t understand it anyway, would you?
6:00PM → Bits of admin at Flower Up HQ.
7:00PM → Drive home (chocolate bar eaten).
8:00PM → Tiger cooks a hearty pie and mash for themself and Felix. No drama here.
9:00PM → BEDTIME. Another successful day of being the biggest rock legends at RSPB Rainham Marshes. ■
Taken from the November 2023 edition of Dork. Divorce’s EP ‘Heady Metal’ is out 17th November.
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