Yes, Dear Reader. While the rest of the music press is busy probing into themes of emotional catharsis, artistic integrity and sonic reinvention, we’re bravely diving into the real discourse: meal deals, cursed photos, and the terrifying power of baked beans. Welcome to The Most Important Questions, where dignity takes a back seat and the only rules are honesty, chaos, and maximum nonsense.
This time, we’re interrogating one of pop’s most brilliant oddballs — a man who may or may not be lying about his bowling skills, definitely has opinions about pasta bake, and once stumbled into this very magazine via sheer bravado alone. From charity shop Simpsons merch to traumatic pottery classes, conspiracy-fuelled caffeine schemes and the enduring shame of cheesybob20, it’s all here. And if you were wondering just how punk he is out of ten… well, we asked that too.
What’s your most controversial crisp flavour opinion?
That original Pringles are by far the best tasting/feeling crisp. Considerably vanilla of me.
What’s your most prized charity shop or second-hand find?
My Simpsons Bowling Shirt from 2001.
If you could have a cameo in any historical event, where would you pop up?
A pivotal moment in Ancient Egyptian history, so I could jarringly appear in some hieroglyphics.
What’s the most questionable fashion trend you ever committed to?
Bootcut jeans, which are now back in fashion. Actually.
Would you rather only be able to eat cold Greggs sausage rolls forever, or only ever drink warm flat pints?
I don’t drink alcohol, Dork.
Have you ever convinced someone of a completely made-up fact?
I’ve managed to convince quite a few people that I’m a musician.
Is there anything you’re brilliant at, but nobody else knows?
I’m unusually good at bowling and Mario Kart 8.
What’s your weirdest irrational fear?
I have quite a few, but I’d say baked beans is probably the most visceral of my weird fears.
Have you ever DIY’d a haircut because you were “bored”?
No, but I did stumble upon a moustache, and I have learned to love it.
If you were a contestant on Bake Off, what would your signature bake be?
I can’t stop thinking about pasta bake. I know that doesn’t count, but I really like pasta bake.
What item would you panic-buy in an apocalypse?
Minoxidil and dark chocolate.
What’s a moment from school that still haunts you at 3am?
A pottery class that me and my sister had a familial dispute during and got taken out of.
If you had to create a new conspiracy theory, what would it be?
Something that would involve a lot of people giving me free coffee.
What’s your ultimate meal deal combination?
Chicken, bacon and lettuce sandwich, small original Pringles tub and a Coke Zero (Rodd’s in the future, hopefully).
What was the last thing you broke?
My phone case. Not my phone, the case. Which is meant to not break.
If you had to have one word tattooed on your face, what word would you have?
Otto.
What’s a hill you’re willing to die on, no matter how ridiculous?
I think somewhere in Snowdonia would be nice.
Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
No. Definitely not. Not even once. Not a single time. Lola Bunny is not for me; neither is Jessica Rabbit. Nor that one fish from Shark Tale, or that other fish from Shark Tale.
How punk are you out of ten?
About a 3.
What’s a TV show you insist you “don’t even like” but have secretly watched every episode of?
Love Island.
Have you ever had a deeply embarrassing email address?
My old Runescape account was called cheesybob20.
Would you rather spill a whole pint on yourself before even reaching your seat at the pub, or get publicly called out for trying to queue-jump?
The pint. Queue jumpers deserve to suffer.
What’s the cringiest thing you’ve ever posted on social media?
Slow Down.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
No. But I’ve got a really pasty mate called Sam.
What’s the worst lie you ever told your parents and actually got away with?
Stole £20 from my mum, and she really slowly delved into her wallet questioning where her £20 had gone.
Have you ever blagged your way into somewhere you definitely shouldn’t have been?
This magazine.
What’s the single most cursed photo that exists of you from a night out?
There’s a photo of me running from behind, and I look sincerely caked up. Don’t look for it.
What’s the dumbest injury you’ve ever had?
A climbing injury that shunted my entire right ribcage forward significantly.
Why are you like this?
I blame you.
Taken from the April 2025 issue of Dork. James Marriott’s album ‘Don’t Tell The Dog’ is out 13th June.
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