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Yes, Dear Reader. We enjoy those ‘in depth’ interviews as much as anyone else. But – BUT – we also enjoy the lighter side of music, too. We simply cannot go on any longer without knowing that NOAHFINNCE owns a lot of…. erm… “dick-related memorabilia”.
What’s your breakfast of choice?
Anything involving sausages.
Have you ever been mistaken for someone else?
Not in person, but since the new Percy Jackson series has come out, a lot of people keep telling me they think I’m Walker Scobell at first glance, which is embarrassing because he’s 15…
What did you last dream about?
I don’t remember many of my dreams, but the ones I remember are usually ones where I’m getting stabbed. The most recent one I can remember was one where I got thrown out of a building, so not much better.
If we gave you £10, what would you spend it on?
Probably just food.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Nah, not a believer in ghosts. Even if they did turn out to be real, I’d probably die tryna convince myself the ghost that killed me was just a gust of wind.
If you could be any inanimate object for a day, what would you choose to be?
Garden gnome.
How many hats do you own?
I’m quite comfortable in bed right now, so I’m not gonna count, but probably like 20 if we’re counting beanies and caps and bucket hats. I only wear one of them, but isn’t it nice to have hats?
What is the strangest food combination you enjoy?
Okay, so I have two weird food combos that I swear by that apparently really upset people… The first is apple juice and Shreddies. I distinctly remember the moment I masterminded it – I was 10 years old, in my Shreddies phase and out of milk, so just poured the Shreddies into my glass of juice and ate it with a spoon. I love apple juice, and I love Shreddies. Why would I not do this? The second combo is Victoria Sponge and milk, which doesn’t sound strange at all, but people think it’s weird that I dunk, like… a whole slice into my milk and eat it with a spoon.
If you could time travel to any era, past or future, where would you go?
I’d honestly just use my time-traveling powers to travel far enough into the past for me to get my work done, take a bath, and take a nice nap whenever I was too busy. I’d probably use that shit every other day, never be tired and always be in the best mood so I could enjoy every moment to its fullest. Don’t think many people in the past would be that fond of me for transgenderly reasons, and I think travelling to the future would take out a lot of the excitement of the present.
What’s the most unusual job you can imagine yourself doing?
Literally, anything that requires me to send formal emails.
Have you ever fallen for a scam?
Yes, and it’s embarrassing, so I’m not going to elaborate.
What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
I can’t tell you that.
What fashion would you most like to make a comeback?
Wearing onesies everywhere. Too comfortable.
If you could be best friends with a celebrity you do not know, who would you choose?
Miley Cyrus.
How far could you run if your life depended on it?
Like… probably quite far, I’m motivated purely by fear of failure, so this works for me.
What’s the best way to cook a potato?
Fry it up into a hashbrown.
Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Has anybody ever said no to this question? When I was a kid, I had the biggest crushes on Kovu from The Lion King, Peter Pan and Troy Bolton. The only fictional characters I can think I had a crush on as an adult are Dr Gregory House and Roman Godfrey, but they’re both asshole characters which doesn’t really bode well for me, does it?
What’s your favourite conspiracy theory, even if you don’t believe it?
I met a conspiracy theorist in a bar in Portland who tried to convince me that the government (who, according to him, “is run by Satanists”) releases orbs that make people stupider. He showed me a video of a cat chasing a dust particle that looked like an orb on camera as proof. He had much worse views than that, which I hate him for, but I admire the commitment to being batshit insane.
What’s the silliest thing you own?
My boyfriend commissioned our friend to paint a parody of The Creation of Adam with our pet rats, so that’s definitely high up there. I have a baked bean candle. Also got loads of dick memorabilia for some reason… Mini dick figurines that my friend Nate made, a blow-up dick costume; I think I have plastic straws in the shape of dicks somewhere? And an inflatable cock fighting kit (look it up). I think the weirdest part about the dick thing is that I’ve never bought myself dick-related memorabilia? I’ve only ever been given it by friends or by fans, but I’ve never asked for it? People must just think me saying “I want a dick” was some kind of challenge?
If you had to hide something so nobody ever found it, where would you hide it?
Why would I tell you that?
When was the last time you were told off?
Probably when I stripped down to my pants with my mates and jumped into a hotel pool at my friend’s wedding.
What’s the oddest piece of trivia you know?
Can’t think of the oddest but thought I’d share that rats are less likely to catch and transmit diseases than dogs or cats, so leave them alone for the Black Death god damn.
If you had a theme song that played every time you entered a room, what would it be?
‘Invaders Must Die’ by The Prodigy.
What’s the most adventurous thing you’ve ever done?
Climbed up some scaffolding at the old abandoned Millennium Mills opposite The Excel Centre when I was a teenager with some friends and managed to get inside the building. We just spent the day there being nosey, looking at all the old shit that was left there, and the view from the rooftop is insane.
What’s the weirdest talent or hobby you’ve attempted to learn?
I wanted to play the trumpet when I was a kid, but my teacher wanted somebody to play tenor horn in the school brass band? So he ended up teaching me tenor horn for a few months? When I broke my arm, I used it as an excuse not to play anymore, but I carried on playing the drums at the time.
If you could eliminate one thing from your daily routine, what would it be?
ADHD.
What’s your favourite childhood board game, and do you still play it?
It was probably Mouse Trap, and I haven’t played it since I was really little.
How punk are you out of ten?
I don’t think anybody is capable of answering this question without sounding like teenage Avril Lavigne in that video where she’s like, “I think I’m just a rock chick, and I like to rock out”. Truly incredible video; I think about it daily. “I like to scream, I like to holler, I like to break things, I like to yell.”
What’s the most valuable lesson you’ve learned from a mistake?
Don’t attach crocodile clips to your braces and a battery “just to see if it lights up the lightbulb on the other end” because it does, and it hurts.
Have you ever lied in an interview?
Obviously.
Why are you like this?
Autism.
Taken from the April 2024 issue of Dork. NOAHFINNCE’s debut album ‘Growing Up On The Internet’ is out now.
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